Daily devotional for the Sanity starved mom

Rip off that Band Aid

2012-02-13T12:17:00.005-06:00

Well readers, you've been invited into the depths of my being after my last post. First, let me say thank you for allowing to me to go off style with that one. I am on a journey to find forgiveness through God's grace and love. Only by reading that piece could one truly understand why I am in pursuit of forgiveness.
Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us:
" Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." It says for those who follow Christ and His teachings needs, as a Christian, to forgive as we have been forgiven. We are taught that God loves us as a parent loves a child with unconditional and never faltering love. My husband uses the image of a child climbing up in to the lap of Jesus and being consoled like we would our own children. What an image that is. All of the pain and hurt I am trying desperately to release isn't mine to keep. God loves me in spite of the fact that I am a sinner. He loves me even though I struggle to forgive others.
Life has a way of leading up to events that God has been preparing us for all along. I have been able to forgive things in the past and move on, but why now, with the woman whom I called mother for those 33 years, can I not find that grace to let go? I have to be able to move on to grow in my journey with Christ.

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

An act of will. There are no gauges to read the temperature of my heart right now. How can you measure a heart that burns so hot with hurt, yet so cold by years of pain. It's such a strange place to find yourself in indeed. I learned years ago, before I started to seek a closer walk with God, that in order to keep a relationship with my om I had to build walls. Guard myself from hurt and rage from her own heart. I see now, after reading my own words that I did myself no good all of these years by just "letting it be". Doing that only leads to a building pressure cooker of emotions ready to blow at anytime. I have found myself there many times. Yet, lately, as time goes by, I feel the steam releasing slowly.
I ask you readers to indulge me, if you will, on my journey. Whatever you struggle with daily to let go of, may we work together to heal. There are many relationships that can break a person's spirit. Take your time today to pray for God to heal your pain. Free your heart. For life is a short journey we all have here on this Earth. Don't waste it with anger.

Letting go by God's grace: My journey to find peace

2012-02-08T11:57:00.004-06:00

Ihadn’t slept in almost 5 days, which was probably God’s way of helping methrough the next few hours of my life. It was Thursday, September 16, 2010. I had been in the ICU unit since Monday morning wondering what thedoctors could tell me about my mom’s recovery prognosis. It was not good. The stroke/heart attack that had put her inthis coma had its grips on her. Younever know how you will react when you get a phone call like this one.

“Kelli,your mom has had a heart attack and is in ICU. It’s not good.”

Itcouldn’t be real. This wasn’thappening. My mom and I had too manythings to sort out for it to end like this! It was a Monday, and I had seen her the day before. After an argument, like so many others wealways had… over nothing important. Iwasn’t prepared to see her when I got to the ICU. The tubes going in her throat, arms, andnose did not bother me as much as knowing she wasn’t able to know I was there. She had always fought. FIGHT MOM! If there was ever a time to fight… do it now!!!! This can’t be it.

After Iabsorbed this scene, I walked over to her bed and held her hand. Her face looked so peaceful, no anger, nohate, just a state of rest. In a strangeway, this made me feel a little more at ease. I hadn’t seen a look without a twinge of pain on her face in many, manyyears. It’s how I knew in my heart she was gone but the machines were keepingher alive.

Tuesdayand Wednesday I lived at the ICU, going home to see my kids and husband atnight, and leaving early the next morning. I would talk to her about my kids and stupid things, now that I thinkabout it. Shouldn’t I have said so manymore profound things than: “I made the best version of your chicken pot pielast night, the kids ate it up.” Lookingback I wanted to say, “Why do you blame me for so so so many things that Icouldn’t control. I did not cause thedivorce. I was 17 and doing my best tocope. I do love you, whether youbelieve it or not. I was a gooddaughter. You were so bitter that youwouldn’t see it.”

Therewere brief periods where we though she was coming around but it was just thebody’s natural responses to stimuli. Itwasn’t mom. They ran tests to checkbrain activity. It was the outcome I hadbeen preparing for all week.

Yourmom’s stroke and subsequent heart attack on the operating table have left herwith little to no functions left. Shecould stay hooked up to this machine and maybe last a few months. Unacceptable. Not what she wanted. It was 5:23on a Thursday. It was mom’s last nightwith us… well with me.

We haddecided that afternoon to take her off of life support because it was herwish. We all knew she wouldn’t want tobe kept in a state of, well, nothing. The slew of doctors from the cardio and neuro department were talkingand telling us what had happened; Very technical terms that I didn’tunderstand. The world around me fadedout, and my mind went back almost twenty years. Twenty years that would forever change the way I saw my mom.

Thatnight, all of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, and step dad) went home to dotheir grieving. I volunteered to staywith her. They knew I would be theone. I have always been that person inthese circumstances. I was with 2grandparents when they passed, and I shall forever consider it a blessing. You can truly see God’s wonders throughdeath. This was my time to make mypeace. Let go of so many twisted andconfusing scenarios that had played out between us over these past 18years. She couldn’t tell me she forgaveme, and that’s why I struggle today. Sheheld so many things against me that no child can help. As I sat there next to her bed with my cheekon her hand, I sobbed. I cried forwasted years in the past and wasted years we won’t have to try and bebetter. So I let my mind wonder backthose 18 years to the day that changed the course of our relationship.

To saymy parents’ divorce got ugly is an understatement. To say that the damage it did to my mom’smental state… there are no words. Shechanged that day. She died thatday. The woman I knew as my mother wasno more. Instead there was bitterness,anger, and total lack of acceptance. Shedidn’t ask for it and did not want it, but she turned hurt into hatred. Hatred of what happened to her, what she couldn’tcontrol, what she felt was rightfully her life that she had built. GONE.
I havescattered memories of her ripping flowers out of a flower bed that my dad hadbuilt in our yard. Sprays of color andmulch littered the driveway when she was finished. She would have a lot of tearing up to do ifshe was trying to erase him from this home. Then there is me… a living breathing reminder of my dad. Having me meant she still had a reason to bein contact with him, in control of at least one thing. So, the pawn is created.

Whenevershe was mad at my dad, she tied me up into it somehow. The day before I graduated high school waspivotal. Nothing was ever the same. My boyfriend of 3 years at the time wasdropping me off from our dinner. Tappedto the back door were 2 cards, one marked Jim. One marked Kelli (the child). Strange. Jim opened his and itwas a loving graduation card with money in it as a way to go! Mine did not feellike a card at all. It was a series ofpapers folded up in a legal envelop. Mine started,

Dear Attorney So andSo,

This letter is to inform youthat as of today, the child will be living with her father from here out. She obviously has a connection with him andchooses to be with him. Blah Blah.

The new“crazy mom” was born, and I had no idea what a turn my life would take! The rage she began to show wasterrifying. I had never seen someone sofull of hurt, anger and pure hatred of another soul. A mother is supposed to be a safe harbor in astorm, not the hurricane itself. I washurting too. My dad was gone, my mom wasa mess, and I was left here to live with her. I was lost. Empty. I was too young to fully grasp all of thedynamics of my parent’s relationship issues, and I am forever thankful for thatbecause there are some things kids should never know. I was safe from that for a while… a shortwhile. Her venom towards my father grewmore every day. She was unable to let mehave my father as just my father. Shehad to try everything she could to turn me against him, so that I would hatehim as much as she did. I remembersaying some of the most horrible things to my father in that first year afterthe divorce. What he didn’t know wasthat many times she was standing right next to me telling me what to say. Did Iwant to say them? No. I was under so much emotional stress in thathome when my dad moved out, that I didn’t know up from down. My own mother had turned me against my dadand I had let her. Regret was born.

                At 17,every version of my reality that I knew was shattered. How do you absorb such a huge change in theblink of an eye? In my case, the way Ichoose to handle it would forever put a strain on my mom and me. All I knew to do was keep doing what Kelli (thepreviously referred to child) could do. All I could do was press forward. After all, it was their divorce not mine right? So wrong. Divorce can temporarily rip a person to the ground. Devastating consequences that no one ever sawcoming. Part of her hated me for nothating him. She never said it but neverhad to either.
                I movedinto my dad’s 2 bedroom apartment, the day before I graduated. I remember lying in my room that firstnight. Shadows from the parking lot camein through the blinds and made new shadows that seems like a foreign world tome. I woke up the next morning and gotready for my big day. Looking back, Iwas saying goodbye to so many things all at once. My childhood friends from school, the home Igrew up in all those years, and mainly myself… but I didn’t even know it.
                Thatsummer before college, I was wild. Idrank and partied, was ready to get out of this town. Little did I know geography doesn’t easepain. My first few months at collegewere very freeing but scary at the same time.  When I went home on the weekends, my “home” wasn’t with my momanymore. My dad’s new home wasn’t mineeither. He did a great job giving me myown space and made it wonderful, but it wasn’t the home I had grown up in. It was bitter sweet.

Mydaydreaming was interrupted by nurses having to clear tubes in mom’strachea. One second ago, she was in her40’s in my mind, and now reality. Wasshe going over those same thoughts in her mind too? Could she? Did she know I was there trying desperately to make sense of this messwe called a mother-daughter relationship? I just wanted her to wake up, even if for a moment. Wake up so I can tell you that I have neverunderstood your anger towards me. Didn’tyou know that I acted the way I did because you acted like you resented me?

Herlips were chapped from where the tubes were cutting in her skin. I took a warm rag and washed her face. She always had such beautiful skin. I used lotion to help the chapping on herface and some Vaseline on her lips to keep them from getting worse. I saw myself in her face while she lay therein that bed. My features, with age, werebecoming more and more like her. How doyou say goodbye to someone when there is so much left to finish? So many unsaid things to share, and even morethings said to retract.

My minddrifted back to a summer night in 1999, when I moved back to Nashville, afterbeing in Knoxville, for almost 4 years. We were listening to music and dancing on the patio. I had some friends there, and we were all havinga great time. Neil Diamond was always afavorite. We used wooden kitchen spoonsas microphones and belted out Sweet Caroline with a force her neighbors weresure to appreciate! Ha-ha. My mom wassmiling. She was the closest thing to mypre divorce mom that I would ever see again. The alcohol abuse was just now becoming evident to me. I remember night after night of drunken phonecalls full of foul language cursing me and my dad. Her anger became intolerable towards me aftershe had been drinking. A child should neverhear their parent refer to them as the child that turned into such a little... well, I will skip that part.

                Mystruggle began with trying to love the person who gave birth to me, butdistance myself from the monster her illness had created. It is amazing how much abuse a person willtake and keep going back for more. I willnever be able to explain to myself or anyone else fully why I did that. All I can say is that somewhere in the depthsof my heart, I always held out hope that my mom was still in there somewhere.

                In theyears that followed me moving back, things only got worse as my life driftedfurther from hers. I met my husband,Nate, in the fall of 1999. I loved himthe moment I saw him. I remember tellingmom that I had met my future husband. Iwas about to declare war on my sanity and didn’t know it. The bell was about to ring for round one! From the moment mom realized that someone hadmy heart, and in her mind, control over me… it was over. The battle between Nate and mom had begun. My referee stripes were adorned and GAME ON!

                Financeswere always tight it seemed, and mom always bailed me out. I rarely asked for it, but she just couldn’tlet it be. After my first child, Will,was born, she was paying bills and groceries on a regular basis for us. I always appreciated the help, but realizednothing from her was free. There wereenough strings wrapped around everything to make a person crazy. It was in these years I realized that mom wastruly bi polar or something to that effect. I would argue with Nate over why I continued to have a relationship withsomeone who was obviously ill. BECAUSE IT’SMY MOM, I would say. How can you justwalk away from that?

Sothere I sat, that night in the ICU with mom listening to our favorite NeilDiamond songs, while I laughed and cried and tried with all of my heart to saygoodbye. I didn’t sleep that night. I couldn’t. It was her last night. I couldsleep when this was all over. Herbreathing kept getting heavier and more labored, more medications werenecessary to prepare her body for the ventilators being removed in a fewhours. It was almost 5:30 am on the 17^thof September. Three days after I hadturned 33. At 33, my mom had lived halfof her life and didn’t know it.

Iwalked out onto the roof of the parking garage where I went for my occasionalsmoke. It was so quiet, beautiful. The sun was coming up and the world lookeddifferent today. It’s funny what youthink when faced with such a hard day ahead of you. I thought as I watched the sun coming up, thenext time I see the sun rise; my mom won’t be here anymore. I wish she could see this last sunrise. It was God’s wonderful Good Morning to methat day. All colors one could imaginepainted that sky over the roof top chapel I had created for me there those fewmoments. A nurse walked up beside and meand told me she had been watching me all night with my mom. She just held my hand and told me she wouldbe there for me when the time came later today, that she was the nurse thatwould be handling the process of turning off the machines... I looked down and started crying. It was real. The day had come. Goodbye or not,ready or not, it was time. Through thetears she squeezed my hand and said, “It’s going to be ok sweetie. She is going home today!”

“Amen,” I said.

Igathered myself and said my prayer to God. How do you sum up all of these emotions into one prayer? God knew my heart. God,give me the strength to let her go, to let the past animosity go with her. Give my heart the strength to know I alwaysdid my best, even when to mom it wasn’t good enough. I pray from my heart, Lord, that she knowsyou. Give her the peace she needs andlet my life be anew. For the past has dictatedmy present and future for far too long. I need peace. Her spirit diedyears ago to, but on this day, I say goodbye to the flesh. I say goodbye to the hope of what couldbe. Amen.

Thehallways I had walked for a week now seemed so sad, I was aware of every personwalking by me with either a smile for a good outcome, or a broken heart like Icarried. When I got back to the room myaunt, step dad, and her best friend were there waiting. Those relationships were already strainedfrom years of my mother and me not seeing eye to eye. It was evident by the way things had beenthis week. I had been asked not to allowmy husband in the room to be beside me because my mother wouldn’t want himthere. Everyone else, except my stepdad, had their spouse there beside them to comfort them through this. As not to add more drama to an already awfulsituation, I asked Nate to go on home and that I would be fine. I know it broke his heart to leave me, but Icould deal with this craziness better alone. I kissed him goodbye, assuring him I would be strong. He looked into my eyes and told me he knew Iwould be because it was who I was.

It wasnow 9:45, and it was time. It was all sobizarre to be in a room with these people who were family, but blamed me for mymom’s unhappiness for so many years. Noone ever said they blamed me for anything openly, but when someone tells youthat they had wished a better life for her where she was treated with respectby her daughter… well, it’s easy to read between those lines. How can you respect someone who has a drivingforce within them to create drama? Tothrive on misery instead of enjoying what changes life can hold for you is noway to live. Yet, like a string with aweight on the end spinning in the wind, I had been bound up in this foryears. Wound up so tight and twisted, Icouldn’t even see how much time it was going to take to unravel the emotiondamage.

Inmovies, you see a person’s life support switch off and they go quickly andpeacefully. That is not really whathappens. Even though the body hadsuffered from a stroke and heart attack, it was still relatively strong. The tubes came out at 10:23… and the waitingbegan. I found myself on that rooftopmany times throughout that day, seeking a moment alone away from the morbidsurroundings in that room. My faith hastaught me not to be sad for the soul passing because they are on their journeyhome. No one in my family there sharedthat understanding. I continued to prayfor peace, understanding and to let go of anger. I must let go of things Icannot change.

Iremembered a few years earlier when my mom’s mother became ill, and I was askedto help take care of her instead of putting her in a facility. I was with her until the end. My aunt and mymom were so thankful that day that I was there when she passed because theycouldn’t go in there. I know now, Godwas preparing me for something else. Hewas preparing me for this moment.

It was5:13, and I stood at the vending machine getting my 100^th can ofdiet coke for the day. I was on a strictdiet of coke and coffee that day. I hadbeen up for 39 hours. My cell phonerang. It was the ICU nurse from theroof, and she said RUN! It is time. Everything went in slow motion. My body went numb, and I could think was I amgoing to miss it. Running up the stairsI began to cry. I’m not ready yet. I knew this was coming, but I am notready. Everyone was around the bed. She had almost no pulse. I sat by her bed, held her hand and said theonly thing I could.

“Mom, Ilove you and forgive you. Please forgiveme for things you never understood. Findyour peace. Go home.”

Themonitor showed flat line. She had gonehome.

Everyonewas there surrounding one another, but not one of them came to me. I sat alone in a chair next to the bed. My face was down in my hands, but there wereno tears. I counted the lines in thetiles at my feet. 1, 2, 3… if you stareat something while fighting back tears you can see amazing shapes. All the faces I was seeing were crying. Faces in anguish. My gazing was interrupted by a familiar pairof pink tennis shoes I had seen that morning on the roof while looking down andcrying. It was Susan, the nurse thatheld my hand at the beginning, and she held true to her promise and held myhand at the end. She didn’t speak, nordid I. My family didn’t even notice, Iwas being consoled by a stranger. Shewasn’t a stranger though; she was my angel that day.

By thetime I stood up to face everyone else, my mom looked so different. Her beautiful porcelain skin was gray anddull. Her poor mouth had been putthrough so much with the tubes and ventilators. It was hard to see her like that. My next prayer was for God to remove that image as quickly aspossible. No child wants to see a parentlike that. The nurses asked us to leavewhile they finished getting her body ready for the crematorium. The young man who had been the other nursefor the day asked us to come back in when he was finished. The tears came again. He had seen me overnight combing her hair andputting the Vaseline on her lips, and he had done the same for me now so I couldhave a better last memory of mom. He hadplaced a single rose in her hand that I had brought her the night before. He will never know how much that meant to me.

Everyoneleft, and I was again alone with her. Icouldn’t leave until I knew her body had been taken to the funeral home. I called Nate to have him come get me. My mind was everywhere, and I had failed tolet him know it was over and to come get me. I floated through those hallways where it seemed I had lived an eternityalready. It was the 5 longest days of mylife to date. The sun was setting withfierce colors. It didn’t seem tranquillike the sunrise that morning. Harshreds and oranges were almost burning my eyes. As I sat at the pickup area waiting for Nate, I just let it all flowover me. The air felt different. The world was off. One of God’s souls had gone home, and I couldphysically feel her presence being gone. Part of me died that day too, I think.

I satthere alone with my thoughts. I thoughtabout how absolute this moment was. Iwould never forget sitting here on this bench. How many other souls just left this world, I thought. Does their air feel different? Do they physically feel the lack of thatpresence. Whether someone was a healthypart of your life or not, they were a part of your life. For better or worse she was chosen to be mymother. It was the path God had givenme.

I wenthome that night and was so tired but sleep escaped me. Years of my life were running through myhead. My mind drifted to the morning inthe hospital when my dad and step mom came to visit me. It is amazing how one person can tie up somany relationships. My dad had remarriedAllison over ten years ago and for me to say I was less than graceful about itis an understatement. They had everyright to be happy and create a loving and healthy marriage together. I was selfish and holding onto childishbehaviors. Regret was creeping back in. I thought about the hurtful things mom saidto me out of anger, and I had done that to Dad the day before his wedding. He will never know how that haunts me to thisday. Yet, there they were open arms tolove me in my time of need. Allison ismore of a mom to me than I truly deserve. She could have turned bitter and angry like my mom did all of thoseyears. Fortunately for me, Allison, whomI proudly call mom today, knew what unconditional love meant. She knew that somewhere in me, outside ofthis sick and twisted mess was the real Kelli. She and dad saw through the drama and knew my heart was going to be ableto come through all of this damage.

I knewas soon as I saw my dad, I would be a wreck. The tears that I had been holding back around family could not stay inanymore. I felt like a child again whenI hugged my dad. I felt at home. Safe. Forgiven. Even with everythinggoing on around me, at that moment, I thought to myself, the one person who Itruly did wrong with my actions never once turned his back on me. Not only that, but I was given the chance tohave a mother daughter relationship with someone who had nothing to distort orhold against me. Allison loved me forthe person she knew I could be and forgave the person I had been. My relationship changed with both of themthat day.

No excuses

2010-01-21T13:00:00.003-06:00

Dear readers... all 3 of you...

I can't believe my last entry was in August of 2009. I have let myself down first in this long lapse in writing. But more importantly, I have not devoted the time I have so strongly encouraged you all to take each day for yourselves. Wow, my June Cleaver meter is non existent at this point.

To anyone reading this... 2010 is new for everyone. 2009 was one of the hardest years in my life. In every way imaginable, it was an uphill battle most days to put one foot in front of the other. It is easy to let yourself get bogged down with the bad and not see the silver lining in anything. I am here to tell you today that no matter how far down in that valley you are... there must be a peak or the valley could not exist. It would be an endless flat landscape of the same ole' thing. Who wants that? What joy could you feel at that peak if you had not just pulled out of that desperately low valley. Why do I say all of this today?

LIFE IS SHORT! Each day on this Earth is a blessing! You can make a difference in a life. A smile, a hug, a quick phone call... you have the chance to share. Share your love, your time, your life experience... just share. Gifts do not have to cost anything. I learned a valuable lesson recently. Life is so precious that we need not waste a second worrying about trivial things. I held a 5 month old baby this week that is going blind. She was born with this condition and there is nothing the doctors can do to fix it. In a world where so much is wrong, why something else so sad? But her mother said something that I will remember for a long time. She said," Don't be sad... because she is still here. She is not going anywhere. She just wont be able to see. Thats not the worst thing that could happen! I still have my girl to hold each night. Some dont have that."

Amen. It put so much into perspective. S,o give each day as if you may not get another chance. Call someone you have lost touch with, pick up the neighbors paper and take it to the door for no reason... just LIVE! All things through Him are possible.

Cinderella and the downfall of the modern woman

2009-08-06T20:32:00.007-05:00

Today I am taking a totally selfish "all about me" moment... so gather round. I took my 5 minutes today to ask God what he wants me to be when I grow up. If I grow up... no wait, if I am 32 do I automatically enter grown up status? When do we know that we are doing what we are supposed to do? I envision the opening scene from Cinderella waking up(hair & make up fully done) to bright sun, a flock of birds flying her gown to her as she sings in perfect pitch to greet the day. For some reason mine always starts with half my hair standing straight up, the other flat and frizzy; i wake up to a gassy dog trying to steal all of my pillows; and my melodic voice is more like Kermit the Frog with a cold... my fairy godmother is out of town most mornings. So if I am doing what God wants me to do, where is my entourage of birds to fetch my clothes?
It all hit me as I was using my custom made bottle of baby butt rinse brought to me by parents of a baby I watch. He is allergic to wipes and most fibers, so I get to ponder life's questions during the 20 minutes it takes me to spray down his rear and use countless cotton balls to clear the mess... do not be jealous! God wants me to be happy with what I have but always strive for more. When baby butt rinse in involved, up is really the only option.
Things are starting to turn around here in the Phillips' house. God has given us gifts that we have prayed for and prayed for, and I appreciate each one. I want to give others a glimpse of what God has given me. I can never fully appreciate things if I compare myself to unrealistic goals. So, as I sit and wait for bibity bobity boo, I am going to enjoy today for what it is. Take your 5 minutes and ask God what He has in store for you. I kept looking for what was down the road from God, that I missed what was right here, right now! So, even if God has put a big bottle of baby butt rinse in your way, just go with it because its what He wants for you right then. Have faith that you are doing these things for a reason. It's a journey, and He is in charge! Blessings and love to all today.

On God's clock.

2009-08-05T08:02:00.001-05:00

I find it so relaxing to sit here tonight after a day of several oh so joyous events. I feel like Mr. Roger's coming in with a smile and a warm greeting, taking off his sweater and in a calm voice saying... "Hi, welcome in!" Now, understand, my version may not be exactly what you saw on the show. I am taking off the sweater because a 5 month old projectile vomited on me like some scene from The Exorcist. My calm voice consists of a less than quiet bellow up the stairs that I was soon to punish whomever left the ice cube on the floor that melted into a small lake just big enough for me to slip in, and my "welcome in" is not quite as mellow. Does "Shut that door or the cats will get out!!! See you left it open to long and the cat got out. Get in this house!" count?
Serene I know. You, too, can achieve this harmonious level of calm. Let me tell you how to accomplish this. First, set your alarm 10 minutes later and not give any time for your morning chat with God. Then drink enough coffee to fuel a 747... and put a 2,4, and 7 year old bickering in the background on top of that. The tension is melting away already I can tell. Remember to take everything personally because the 5 month old threw up on you just because he knew you were bored. And the unholy level of foulness that came out of that small beings diaper was just a treat because what better way to say I love you than a diaper that clears a room. Now that's special.
And because I know not one woman out there needs a moment to herself, be sure that one child wakes up right as the others are falling asleep after crying for 20 minutes that the Dora nightgown is dirty.
So, what have we learned today? Well, I know one thing is FOR SURE. When I do not make time in my day for God to speak to me and work through me it is AWFUL. God created everything in this world... including time. We owe Him some every single day without exception. He does not care where you are but He does care that you focus on Him. The rest of your day can be as peaceful as mine was(which, had I given Him time earlier, I wouldn't have been ill prepared for my day) .... So bottom line is this... we are all on God's clock before anyone else's even when there is vomit or poo involved. Trust me, I needed prayer after that today. So, mommas out there grab a loofah, some lemon scented Clorox(because it is the only thing that gets you clean afer a day of kids) and treat yourselves to a cleansing shower. If you haven't talked to God today, please do it now!

Ocean Front View

2009-08-04T19:54:00.004-05:00

Well, here I sit, toes in the sand being awe inspired by what God has created. 72 hours ago, I was folding laundry in house that may or may not be mine in a few weeks... recessions are so FUN. After 5 months of the most uncertain times in my life, I sit here crying to God. I cry because my life is so uncertain with each passing day, and, lately, I see no end in sight. I cry because I know He is with me every second of every day, but like a child needing the physical embrace of a parent when life gets hard, I still have times I feel alone and need Him right there. Now we all know that can not happen. Will not happen. That is not how God shows His presence to us anymore. He is with us in the valleys and on the tops of the highest mountains, but this 5 month valley has proven to be a true test of my faith.
Nothing in our lives, aside from God, is certain. Waking up each day is never a guarantee. Your next meal, paycheck, or embrace from a loved one... could all be gone in an instant. As I sit here with the sand slipping out from under my feet with each passing wave, I know God has a message just for me. Even though that wave crashes down all day every day and rips that patch of ground out from under me, the next second there is another behind it waiting to give me the stability I need to keep standing. When life comes in and washes the sand from beneath my feet, I have to know with all of my heart, that God WILL provide steady ground behind it. It is not always as quickly as I would have it... but it is always there.
The ocean is a great metaphor for life because it is never the same at any given moment. Things are always growing, moving, changing... but yet we always know when we touch our toes to that 1st grain of sand... there the ocean has been sitting, waiting, always a constant. During a storm the surface can be a raging beast ready to tear us down, but underneath it all there is a calm. This calm is always there. It never changes. You just have to dig deep enough to find it.
It is just like God's love for us. He may put a tsunami in front of us to see if we can swim, and if our faith holds strong and keeps us afloat... there is always a calm after the storm. Just as one wave knocks you down, there is another rolling right behind it to pick you back up.
I am looking at a sunset that only our God could have made. It is like He painted it just for me tonight. The moon hangs in a crystal clear blue sky over the ocean like heaven is just past what my eye can see. I turn and look behind me to see colors of coral, yellow, purple, blue and red, and I feel God giving me that embrace I have so desperately longed for. Life is more than a mortgage payment or past due bills. It is about right now. Look what wonder He has given me tonight... the sting on my cheeks from the warmth of His sun, and the cool sand between my toes show me just how blessed one can be without a thing. God is truly great!

It's never as bad as it seems!

2009-05-08T10:11:00.003-05:00

Hello readers, and welcome to my corner of the world today. I must make a confession before we go any further. I have been struggling with giving it all to God! In the midst of a bad economy and lack of work for my husband and me, it is so easy to loose sight of the fact the WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL! I can not control our lack of work. I can not control the mortgage company wanting money we do not have. I can not even control whether the money will be here to keep us in our home. I can control how I react to these situations.
After I came out of my delusion that we were going to just bounce back and everything would be ok, I had to face the facts that God may be putting this in front of us to see how we react. My husband reminded me the other day through a quote from "The Man Who God Uses" that we should not look at this as a crisis but as a chance for God to show us what we have next! We may loose everything we have.... FOR NOW! What we may not see in the present throws of panic is that the blessings awaiting could be more than we ever imagined.
So after drying my tears and accepting where we are... I had to go to God again and ask for strength. God knew in my heart my stress came form the fact that I was trying to control it. So here we are again... who is in control? As soon as I truly accepted that it was not me, my heart was lighter! These walls that shelter us each day are not what makes us who we are. Those junk drawers full of stuff... well its just stuff. These walls do not make our home... we make our home. Its a hard pill to swallow because, for me, for years and years all i dreamed of was my 1st house. Pretty lawn, flowers, a dog... the whole nine yards. I finally got it 2 years ago. God allowed us to get here and now it may be time to move on. I just do not know.
I am blessed with a happy family that is healthy and TOGETHER!!!! The walls are where we ome to at the end of each day, but we can make a home anywhere. I say all of this to you today because I saw myself failing to trust in God. As my husband said, I was not walking the walk. I fell short as a Christian, as we all do at some point or another.
Today, just take your 5 minutes to e thankful for what you have right now. Tomorrow it could be gone. Even if it was all gone, you will still be the same person. You are a child of God in wait for what He has in store for you. In these times, we all must reevaluate where we place our value! Thanks for listening to my ramblings today. As always, have a blessed day and stay strong in your faith!

Duct tape for the soul

2009-04-30T10:19:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, as I was frantically looking for the Benadryl that I knew I had misplaced, I realized that my "organized chaos" had lost all sense of order. Where was the Benadryl you ask? Well, right in my sock drawer where it should be! haha. I can picture in my head running around the house before company comes over, and making one big scoop of junk into my drawer. My system of cleaning in a pinch consists of throwing an array of unrelated things in the nearest drawer that is not already bulging from previous "cleanings". So everything looks great on the surface but when you open it up.... its a big mess!
Now, come on ladies, we all have junk drawers right? That drawer that has missing screws that were left when you assembled that toy, a toy put back together with duct tape(it fixes everything right), half a stick of gum... OK maybe that's just mine. I started looking at these thing in this drawer that were not needed anymore. They were taking up space that I could use for other things... that I actually NEED. I am trying hard here to build up my tie in... you ready??? lol
How does this junk drawer relate to me in my daily journey as a Christian? Well, does your life contain "junk" in your heart or head that is taking away from useful things? Have things been haphazardly placed in your heart and forgotten? We all have those things! So, lets clean house today. Take inventory of those things buried deep beneath the "clean exterior" and see whats really lurking in those forgotten "drawers" of our souls. Let go of that stuff that is unnecessary. Those things take away from our walk with God. He does not want all of the clutter in our hearts because it really does take away from our journey. My heart is much like the toy I found carefully taped together. I tried to make it better and put it back to its original glory... but the tape is only a temporary fix with no guarantees that it will ever work right again. The things in my life that may have temporarily broken me were merely "taped" but never made right. Just masking the problems will eventually lead to destruction... not a firm fix. So, as a Christian, we have to look to God to make us whole and not depend on all of those "duct tapes" in the world to fix it.
I have things in my heart that I have swept into that drawer just to make it look pretty on the outside... but I know in order to grow that I have to purge myself of all of that to see what God wants for me. He can not lead me if I am bogged down with junk! So pray with me today that God shows you what that "junk" is in your life. God can clear it out and make room in your soul for ALL of the blessings he has waiting for you. Stay strong out there and put your faith in Him. Through God, all things are possible! Have a blessed day readers!

The dying cockroach stance and being a Christian

2009-04-29T08:36:00.004-05:00

Well, now that I have your attention, let me set the stage. Remember earlier we talked about setting the stage for your husband when he gets home? Well, picture my serene environment last night that Nate got to walk in on. 2 kids lying on their backs, feet in the air, and tears coming down both faces. WELCOME HOME DAD!!!! haha He actually did giggle when he saw this form of punishment actually being carried out by yours truly. I was no where near the happy homemaker when he walked in last night. I was trying to find my "happy place" in some Calgon-esk fantasy that was praying for, and I hear Nate laughing about it all. He actually found it funny... who knew.
Something that had me all bent out of shape made him smile. So, I stepped back and looked at it again. I saw my 2 kids... actually doing what I said... in the "dying cockroach" position. Mommy had taken a firm stand... WOW! After months of battles over not following directions, my kids finally surrendered to my demands. They realized that they were not in control of the situation. I was doing this to teach them a lesson. If you do not follow the rules, there are consequences.
This is so true in our role in this world as Christians! Everyday we battle in our lives for some sense of control over finances, our household, our jobs, ect... the list goes on and on. The one thing we can not do is CONTROL all of it. Sometimes, you must give in to God's demands of us. He demands that we put our faith in Him becuase He ALWAYS has our best interests at heart. We MUST surrender to HIS will, not our own. Life can quickly become overwhelming if we let it.
When God throws something in our path that knocks us down(dying cockroach here people), He has put us there for a moment to think about where we are and what we are doing! Are we fighting His authority in our lives and disobeying the rules we know are there for us?
Today, take your 5 minutes to examine the areas of our lives that are knocking us down on our backs. Why has God chosen to put this bump in the road here for us? It is your job as a Christian to give it to God. Let Him carry the burden so you can focus on what He may have in store for you. Just take today. Look at today! What is your "daily bread" for this moment?
God is the ruler of our hearts and actions... He has His ways of putting us in time out to get it all together. I am still striving for this is my house... I think I need to be a mix of June Cleaver and a drill Sgt! June Cleaver in camo... I love it. If you have never surrendered your life to God, DO IT NOW.
Ask God to show you what he has for you today. Be still and listen with your heart. His answers are there but you can't hear them when you are fighting His will.

Where oh where does the time go?

2009-04-16T11:42:00.004-05:00

Well, dear followers, I have not given you 5 minutes in many days. My June Cleaverness gets worse and worse. Whats a girl to do? Grab your coffee and have a seat... we have much to discuss.
Life goes so fast and we rarely slow down anymore to enjoy it. Last week, the people of Nashville lost one of the best newsmen anywhere. Dan Miller passed away last week quickly and left everyone in shock. I have watched Mr. Miller on the news almost every night since I was little. He was always on air every night with my family telling us what was important that day. He was just ALWAYS there every day... without a doubt. Then one day he was gone. It just is not the same. It was like losing a member of the family in a way. Well, that got me thinking. How do a wife and a young daughter grasp the fact that he was taken with out notice? Do the people in our lives know how we feel about them? His death put my life into perspective in a flash. Our Father could call us home at any moment without notice.
We all know every second of every day that we are 100% loved by God. His love is not doubted. Can people in your life say the same? If someone you love was taken today, would you know that they knew what was in your heart? Time has a way of changing the dynamics of a relationship. The role of parent and child is constantly evolving. Its a growing and changing relationship that bends at time's will. Friends can come and go. Some you think will be in your life forever, and others actually are there for the long haul. Each year brings new blessings, challenges and tests of bonds. The things that seem so big today mean nothing in 5 years. Little things left unattended can fester and grow into a raging bull out of hand.
It all goes back to time. We have all the time in the world and yet none of it is guaranteed. This may be your last day on this Earth. Which has meandered us to our daily challenge my loyal readers... all 3 of you! (I am an acquired taste and you are all brilliant for getting my wit. It is my humility that draws people in! Ha. Big fan of the inner dialogue, yet?)
Take your 5 minutes today and think of things in your life that may be unfinished or out of balance. Is everything how you want it to be in your life? That "Going to get to it someday" list that have have lying around collecting dust(don't deny it because I have one too) will not wait for time. Make a call or let go of something that is weighing on your heart. Tomorrow is NOT a guarantee. It is a gift from God, and we owe it to HIM to make the most of every second we have the privileged of living on this Earth.
I watched my son take his first Lord's Supper on Easter, and it hit me how blessed I am. So, I am trying to find pleasure in those mundane tasks that I hate some days. I get to wash the dirty socks of the little boy who is healthy enough to run and play in to get them stinky. I have the money to buy milk for the little princess who spills it all over my clean carpet. I get to be wrapped in the arms of the sweaty man who sometimes comes home grumpy from working hard all day to provide for us. Those dirty dishes in the sink are there at the end of the day because we are lucky enough to all be back at the table for another night together. Life is truly grand! So to all of you in my life that love me for all of my flaws and have help me be who I am and who I am becoming... I sincerely thank you. Love is free but priceless!

Lights, Camera, SILENCE !!!! A behind the scenes look!

2009-04-08T07:41:00.005-05:00

It's day 2! Did you take my challenge? Did those 5 minutes make a difference? Post a note of encouragement if you saw God work for you yesterday! Now let's get started in today's craziness.... let's set "the stage"
Ladies, do you think the men in your lives know what exactly happens in the few minutes(let's be honest... hours) before they walk in the door. Let's take yesterday for example, shall we? It's 5:08 and my husband is just around the corner. Mission: to let him walk into a serene house where dinner is cooking and kids are clean, quiet, and not killing each other! 5:13 and daddy walks in to a roast in the oven, rolls that are not even slightly tan yet, and kids outside playing! Mission accomplished! Now, let's back up a minute or two and see what it took to make this magic happen.
It's 4:15 and my son is home from school tired and grumpy about homework. My 4 year old "princess" is sitting in the corner having a meltdown over the fact that she can't have her zillionth cup of hot cocoa of the day! This is where it always gets fun... tired kids with nothing better to do than get each other all riled up!
The back pack thrown by the front door and the trail of My Little Pony toys up the stairs do not set the serene setting I am going for. "Morgan, come get your ponys and Will get your back pack before daddy gets home."
"But Mooooooooooooooom, I don't want to pick up my stuff! I am....." And the never ending list of excuses begin. None of which work on me at this point.
My rolls are cooking, my make up in non existent, and June Cleaver is no where to be found again today. But I still have time to set the stage for a GREAT homecoming. After threats of taking away toys, tv, and everything that makes life fun, I think I have this under control.
"Mom, Will took my little pony."
"Mom, Morgan took my backpack."
Ugh. T minus 11 minutes until daddy gets home. We can do this! I can do this!
So, I send the kids outside so they can escape the wrath of Mom, and I speed clean. Hubby walks through the door and says it looks great and he doesn't know how I do it everyday! Wow, is my rush for the illusion of calm really working? haha
What he doesn't see everyday is the work it takes for that 1st impression when he walks in the door. 5 minutes before he strolls in I hear the sobs from the playroom over simple everyday tings that HAVE to be done. Crushing a child's world over picking up a Hot wheels seems silly huh? So, each afternoon, as I try and remember how my mood effects all others in my family, I am going to work on really being CALM instead of just trying for it.
This brings us to todays challenge ladies. In your 5 minutes today, pray that God gives you the calm you need throughout your day. Admit to Him that little things can sometimes overwhelm you and you don't know why. Maybe take your 5 minutes today to change your clothes and put on a new shirt... and maybe, just maybe a bit of lip gloss to help you feel a little fixed up. Yes, we will be so bold as to actually HAVE calm instead of the illusion of it. Do any of my ramblings make sense today?
Those few minutes before the curtain goes up in the evening when daddy gets home, can be used to make YOU feel better. In doing that, and finding a calm center, you will pass it on to those in your home. Set the stage every night for a nice family dinner and time to ENJOY one another. It makes a world of difference if you set your stage the way you want! Lights, camera, ACTION!

Virgin voyage into blogging!

2009-04-07T11:36:00.004-05:00

Good morning, all you stay at home moms out there! This is my 1st official post to all of the other sanity starved mom's out there. Do you ever feel that you are gradually slipping into the abyss of never ending laundry, cleaning, carpool, and soccer games? Well, then dive in and serve up a slice of great ideas for YOU today. No, it is not too much to ask for 5 whole minutes to sit down and do something constructive for yourself today.
On my maiden voyage into cyberspace, I will give you some info on my little corner of the world. I am a stay at home mom(SAHM) of a 7 year old boy, and a 4 year old girl. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years now. I am in knee deep with the daily struggles of providing great care for my kids and still maintaining some sense of what makes ME tick... what a struggle. But enough about me today, there is plenty of time for the craziness I call normal life...Ha. (Note to self: look up definition of normal. It seems to change daily. lol. Inner dialogue is highly under appreciated these days)
Everyday, I wake up with grand dreams of being June Cleaver, but somewhere between cleaning up after little hands, figuring out where the electric bill money will come from this month, and getting a perfect meal on the table by 5:30... I end up more like June Cleaver strung out on caffeine with no make up and burnt rolls in the oven for dinner! I tend to call the burnt rolls "tan" in my house. For all of you that don't know, there are levels to the degree of burned your dinner is... tan is perfectly acceptable if you add ketchup!
So, today, my challenge for all of us is simple! Take 5 minutes today... just 5 minutes. Put the kids down for a nap or put in a video(yes TV is OK, no matter what anyone says) and spend 5 minutes praying for God to show you what He has in store for you. So many times in my life, I have prayed for specifics that I thought would make my life better. What I didn't "get" was that I was praying for the wrong things. Today, ask for God to show you blessings that you may not see and to let His will take over in your life. It is amazing what God can reveal to you if you just allow Him to work in your life.
Motherhood, marriage, maintaining a sense of SELF is a daily challenge for all of us these days. Make a pledge to yourself to let God take some of it. The time you save on worrying can free up special time to spend with your kids or husband. See what difference your 5 minutes make in your life today. Let's get through these crazy times together ladies. Like my little Superman up there... your strength to get through the rough patches will grow as your faith grows!